Regret, Acceptance and Moving Forward
I used to hate myself.
I hated who I was, what I did, every decision I ever made. My entire life, everything up to a certain point, was worthless. I regretted it all, and despised the boy I had I been.
In 2015 I began a new life journey. I started occasionally going out in public as my true self. I didn't come out as trans (I didn't even consider myself trans at the time), but I was living a truer expression of myself.
It was during this time, unsurprisingly, that I started living my life with my confidence. I was taking risks, asking for and taking opportunities that I wouldn't have even seen in the past. It was a powerful feeling, one that went beyond the handful of days per month when I would 'cross dress'. I was becoming more bold and courageous in my day to day life.
I decided it was time to transition; to claim who I was, and to live my truth proudly and unafraid. My idea of who I had been also started to change. I started to feel sorry for this boy who I hated for so long. For two years he saw me change, become more confident, accomplish things that he had never seen as possible. He was seeing how amazing my life was going to be, and would never get to live it. Like Moses, he saw the promised land, but would never get to enter.
My transition resulted in a heightening of all those feelings of confidence and courage. I took bigger risks, I believed in myself even more, and I recognized the power I have over myself and the world around me. My feelings about the person I had been also changed. I had moved from hate, to pity, and then finally to a new feeling - thankfulness.
When I looked back at that boy I realized how amazing it was that he fought through everything; how he endured everything and survived until I was ready to be the person I am today. He kept me safe and hidden when I was a child, he protected me from danger and he suffered, silently, carrying me with him every step of the way.
He did all that, for me. And he left me with his amazing survival instinct, with his ability to endure the worst until I can get through my troubles. I'm a stronger person, and in an amazing place in my life thanks to him. There is absolutely no reason for me to have any hate in my heart for that person.
Viewing my life this way brought me peace, ended the regret I had, and allowed me to look forward and move ahead. Regret can be a powerful agent that keeps us stuck in the past while the future goes on with out us. We punish ourselves over and over again for the past, we wish we could "go back in time" and tell ourselves to do things differently, all while the present is marching on. While we waste time regretting what we didn't do, we're just creating new moments that we'll look back on and wish we had acted.
Everything that has happened in your past is unchangeable. Assess where you are now and the opportunities that stand before you in this moment. Be thankful that you have them - because where you are now, in this moment, is all that matters.